I often find myself dreading the mornings. The piercing ring of an iPhone alarm clock, crust forming at the corners of my eyes, and nostalgic thoughts of you creep into my mind. It was once a routine for me to glance at my phone and see a “Good morning! :)” text message at the top of my lock screen, but now it isn’t. Now I only see automated emails from my Japanese professor letting me know my vocabulary quiz grades have been posted. Though I’m acing Japanese, I still feel emptiness and a lack of overall accomplishment consume my morning thoughts. It’s been four months and I still feel sadness come in waves. I have even desperately tried to do all the cliché shit that half-ass blogs say to do such as: BLOCK THEM, DO YOU SIS!1!!11!, and even GET RID OF EVERYTHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF THEM! I mean, if that’s the case how do I get rid of my fucking brain, Buzzfeed??
It’s not that I spend my days moping around and crying (although, some days this is the case). It’s more so along the lines of: I’m going throughout my day, doing productive things, having a good time and then like a truck I get hit with it. Hit with thoughts I call, the Unknowns. These thoughts consist of: “what are they doing?”, “are they thinking of me?”, “does the new person you’re seeing kiss you like I once did?”, “How the hell are you even seeing someone new after four months?!?!?!? What the fuck! Did four years not mean anything?” Going through life and having all these thoughts flooding into your psyche can make anybody feel insane. I told a friend it feels as though I’m going through a slow motion car wreck; where the impact only lasts a small amount of my lifetime, but when it’s happening I can feel all the shatter of pain throughout my body during each millisecond. The Unknowns are a pieces of shit, but I believe that one experiences them for a reason. Learning to forget the habits of a partner who no longer services you is important. You don’t need to worry about what they’re doing, how they’re feeling, or who they’re fucking if they do not communicate these things with you. Even if they were to communicate these things with you, there becomes a point where you need to cut off the extraneous bullshit from someone who has hurt you and focus in on what YOU need.
While experiencing the Unknowns I have tried to spend time truly listening to myself. Listening to what I need, crying, journaling, dancing to K-pop alone in my tiny room along with other miscellaneous things that help me release energy. Although small, these simple things make me happy and ultimately fill my cup where it was once empty. Harvesting my energy and actually putting it all into myself, my wants and needs is something that I have forgotten to prioritize for a while. Not that putting energy into a partner is bad, but when all the energy goes to them and a minimal is put towards you, are you really happy or just comfortable? Sitting with my energy and accessing what I need to do to grow has helped me get to know myself. I am learning to question myself in productive ways, observe my habits (good and bad), and to challenge myself to new methods of thinking and coping. Learning about the dark sides of myself has made me realize that I am not perfect, though my Gemini Sun and Leo Rising convince me that I am. I have flaws. I am extremely aware that I can be a jealous bitch and that I also have a massive fear of the unknown and being left out. Knowing and getting to understand my flaws have made me realize how much I have unintentionally held myself back.
Loving someone to support and put full trust within them is beautiful experience that does not come often. However, there comes a time where one has to assert their own needs during hard situations. For me, that means going through a disgusting break up and even more disgusting college transition that makes me ugly cry into a Yuri!!! On Ice pillow while Angel Olsen yodels about heartache in the background. Nice! This tumultuous cycle of: cry, realize you’re being a wreck, turn into a bad bitch, think of hypotheticals, break down, and then cry again has broken a bitch down. I am finally reached the point where it’s balls to the fucking wall. You’re out of dumb bitch juice, Laura and there’s no more supply!!!
Within this past week I finally went to a concert by myself. I decided to let the night pan out in an unexpected way and carry no expectation. I experienced my first glimpse of optimism through the power of the unknown. As I navigated throughout the evening I found myself speaking to an enigmatic energy. They expressed to me that in order to be grow and be present one must trust in their past experiences, but not let it override their being. I believe this to be true. Even though we all go through hurt, pain, Mercury Retrograde, and all the bullshit that comes with life we only have ourselves to turn to once we step into our head. I make a home from myself, my experiences and my future and I can’t wait to decorate more.